Ideas that go poof in the night and other ramblings – I hope that caught your interest and you’ll stick around and have a read.
It’s Wednesday at the time of typing this and I’ve just eaten a lazy toasted ham, cheese and tomato (and lots of cracked pepper) sandwich for lunch. On the floor beside me is my dog Ava softly snoring away. In the family room (locked in there so I can type a post without having to check what they are getting into) are Axel and Amaya (my 5 month old kittens). I have a heat pack on my neck as I have awful pain and can barely turn my head. I think it’s time to search for a new pillow. I can hear the sound of my dryer working away in the laundry. Wednesday is laundry day, as is Saturday and Sunday and sometimes other days!
Today is the first day that I have been in this house alone (sans pets) in several months. It feels weird! The Tennis Player’s workplace is easing back to normality with everyone doing 2 days per week in the office and the rest of the week working from home (different days of course). It’s the week for working in the city for Twin 1. Next week he will work from home and then repeat. Twin 2 is at work as usual. My journalist daughter is working on the Gold Coast this week (commuting daily from here) but she flies home to Cairns on Friday (tomorrow) morning. Her time here is over. I’ve barely seen her while she’s been here but I am sad and I’m going to miss her.
I realised I needed to get a post ready for tomorrow but I don’t have enough time or motivation to edit photographs so I can publish the next Perth post or even a Victorian one (I still haven’t finished posting about our Great Ocean Road adventure in December 2018). So, instead I decided to do a rambly post and bring you up to speed on things around here. Well maybe not everything, but most things and possibly with too much overshare!
I’ve been appreciating the garden quite a bit lately. Mainly because my Camellia’s are flowering and they look so beautiful! I could stare at them for hours! Here’s a few snaps I’ve taken of the Camellia’s and more around here.
Secret Midlife Women’s Business
(Men might like to skip this bit!)
So I finally went to the doctor and rolled out my scroll of issues to discuss – all textbook symptoms of perimenopause/menopause. Of course I get most of the long list of possible symptoms whereas most might only get a few! Bless me fertility God’s but it’s been about six months since my last period which is great but why all this other cra* now? Please do not come back but please give me a break! When it comes to the female reproductive system and all – I’ve had a pretty rough trot. I was a young girl when it started – around 10 or 11 and the monthlies were always very, very painful. Mum would have to pick me up from school each month if it happened to fall on a school day. I’d be writhing in agony in the sick bay. Things progressively got worse as I got older and these latter years have been really quite awful. I’ll spare you the details. Anyway – TA DA – I’m trialling HRT patches. It’s only been a few weeks. There’s been some undesirable effects in these early days but I’m not gonna judge and discard too early. We will see how it goes. If I ‘do’ stick with it, the plan is to gradually wean off within 5 years.
My Mind – going back to old habits
I’ve noticed that my mind is making up stories that are probably not true and worrying too much about what people might think of me, and I’m thinking negatively about myself. This might be due to the Covid-19 lockdown situation, or lack of holidays & getaways, or the curse of social media and the ‘comparison trap’, or the stuff I talked about in the paragraph before this one. Most likely though, it is a mix of them all.
Many of the bloggers I met when I first started blogging have gone on to make successful careers – fashion, beauty products, stationary products, written books, corporate careers etc. Of course, there’s also a lot of them that have disappeared and no longer blog. However, I zero in on the fact that these women have formed their own circles, don’t keep in any contact with me, rarely and probably never comment or like anything I post, and in my mind that is because I have stagnated and not made anything of myself and so they don’t think much of me. Therefore, I too start to not think much of me. However, I must remember that most of these women are anywhere up to 30 years younger than I am and are at a different stage of life. There are women who, at 56 as I am now, want a busy professional life or business¹, but I don’t. I need peace and a slower pace of life nowadays. I’d like to have a purpose though – and that is where I struggle.
I was selling beautiful skin care products that I believed in and still use but it didn’t quite work out as I planned and I am not a salesperson. I was going to open an Etsy Shop and sell some of my crochet items – pot plant holders and more but I talked myself out of it. What if I get inundated with orders (haha wishful thinking) and there is only me and I’ll be stuck sitting crocheting all day every day? What about the peri-menopausal arthritis I get in my hands and fingers? Would all this crocheting aggravate it? My mind again. What ifs? I did this too when I was going to be a photographer. Having to please other people and do photographs that they wanted took the joy out of photography for me. I enjoy nature and natural light photography and basically taking photographs of scenes that I find pleasing and want to capture. I realised I didn’t want to work as a photographer for others and in the process I lost the passion for photography at all – even though I could’ve pursued it in another way – creating a gallery of works for purchase. Then with fostering kittens – I hit a snag when I adopted two. It’s changed the dynamics in the home and we need to adjust. Will I foster again? I plan to but we will see.
So then starts the negative self talk. You never follow through! You self sabotage! You’re hopeless! You do this all the time! What do you even want to do anyway? The truth is … I don’t know? I jump from one interest to another.
So what is this about? I should know better. Who am I? What am I meant to be doing? Why can’t I work it out and feel settled? I wish I could find the answers.
My latest interest
My latest interest is painting with watercolours. I’m doing a short online series of classes with Natalie Martin – ‘Welcome to Watercolour’. Natalie is an artist and graphic designer based on the Surf Coast, Victoria and I love her style of art. Here’s a couple of practice pieces I’ve done as part of her classes (as well as the one at the top of this post). They’re a bit rough and ready but with time I’ll hopefully improve. Next I will paint by observation – which means to go outside and get some pretty plant cutting to bring inside and paint. Watch this space!
I need a holiday
I need to get out of this house. I am a homebody and I love being home but I’ve been home way too much lately. Lockdown has made it so! However, with the easing of restrictions I’ve met up with a friend (who I hadn’t seen for around 10 years) a few times. I met up with another friend who I hadn’t seen since December last year too which was great!
We had that 1/2 day road trip to Mt Nebo, Mt Glorious and Samford which was lovely.
I’ve been to Mum’s and Bunnings and visited my sisters a couple of times.
But I need to really get away – a holiday – even if for a few days but preferably longer. I need to be immersed in nature and away from my daily routine. I need to be uplifted and pulled out of my own head.
I wrote this post – 7 Signs you need a relaxing holiday back in February and soon after booked a holiday to Kingscliff. Our planned holiday to Kingscliff though, had to be cancelled as lockdown took hold. So I’ve still been nowhere since Cairns in September 2019.
Hopefully, something can happen to fix this situation before too long!
Ideas that go poof in the night!
At night as I lie in bed not being able to go to sleep because of this crazy overactive mind of mine, I come up with some really incredible ideas. I think of blog post ideas, little ‘business’ ideas (not big business), things I should do, great solutions to problems, and more! I know I should have pen and paper by the bed to record them but silly me says to myself – “Oh of course I’ll remember that!!” – and of course I rarely ever do and that fabulous idea is lost floating in that place where all my thoughts, ideas, and things I am meant to remember go, in the hope that it will blow back into my brain one day and have it’s time in the light once and for all.
It’s afternoon tea time now. Time to reheat the heat pack and for a cuppa and snuggles with the pussycats!
Do you find pretty gardens uplifting? Have a mind that can make up stories and be mean to you? What kind of pillow would you recommend to me? Please remind me to put a pad and pen on my bedside table – please and thank you!
Ciao for now,
¹ I do realise that some women have no choice but to work and I know I am lucky to be in a position to not have to (though I still am – just not officially or in an earning capacity way). It does come with significant financial sacrifice though, but I keep in mind that I worked full-time for many, many years – before kids and as a Mum of three kids and those were hard days, so I feel I deserve this time now when a slower pace is needed and better for my health at all levels.