Squeaky and The Black Dog

October 13, 2015

THIS IS A GUEST POST by Patrick C, a reader of WOTM and fellow photography enthusiast!

More information on Patrick can be found at the end of this very courageous post.


 

teddy bear, bear, teddy,

‘Squeaky’, fifty-one years old and still going strong.

Battered and bruised, his love is eternal.

His shoulders are the strongest I have ever had to lean on.

He has been my salvation, silently listening to me, drying my tears with his fur and keeping me warm in the coldest and darkest of times.

My first toy. My most precious toy. He has been the constant, my rock. When I was abused by clergy, priests and nuns, betrayed by those meant to teach us, care for us and protect us, not hurt us, HE listened when I told him how frightened I was. He knew that I couldn’t tell my parents because back in the 1960’s and 70’s it would have been too hard for them to believe they had been betrayed by those that were, in their eyes, Gods.

Because of that abuse, my mental health was damaged. I didn’t know it at the time or even understand what was happening in my head at that time. It was the black dog building his kennel in my mind and Squeaky would knock it down. In Primary school I would rush home from school, change out of my uniform, and give him a huge hug and he would draw out the pain and hurt of the day. I could feel him draw it out of me and light would shine.

In secondary school the black dog’s kennel was complete. He had a split level kennel, half in my mind and half in my room. Squeaky, from his hiding place in my wardrobe, would try to get rid of the kennel in my room and still have energy to draw out the pain from my heart when I got home. He had more strength than a phalanx of Roman Centurions.

For many years Squeaky fought a lone hand against my demons, my black dog. His presence a perpetual support, wherever he may have been living. His cupboard, my parents home, his spirit was always there.

There were those who should have understood my pain, my hurt, and my confusion as to why I was like I was, but they didn’t. However, Squeaky never abandoned me.

In 2011 circumstances conspired to force me to open the box containing my abuse and face it head on. To face the last living abuser and to put my complete trust in the legal system and its servants. My mental health and my life spiralled downwards but Squeaky was there hiding in his wardrobe but still supporting me, always there, his little head sitting still for me to spot and recover.

Now I live on my own once more and Squeaky is still there, my guardian. Proudly he sits on my bed because I need him now more than ever and he doesn’t mind that I was forced to make his house in a robe or cupboard because like the best of friends he knew that it wasn’t my heart making him live there but an unreasonable world. Now he is proudly on his guard post like a Beefeater protecting his King.

These days the black dog barks louder and louder and Squeaky corals him for me.

Squeaky is an old bear, a strong old bear, and at the moment he is fighting the black dog in a tough battle for me because I am almost out of fight myself. His will and his spirit is unbreakable. It needs to be to hold me up.

We all need our own Squeaky Bear to help us in our battles and on our journeys. I hope that you all have yours.


Thank you Patrick for your courage in sharing such a personal story with us.  I think Squeaky has spunk about him even if he looks a little battle weary!  May he slay the black dog & its kennel once and for all. 

BIO:  Patrick has recently started his own blog called ‘The Renaissance Man‘ where he shares musings on Life, Art, Music, Literature, Photography and Social Justice. 

Ciao for now,

Min-Signature

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT
& Agent Mystery Case for #WorthCasingWednesday

 

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23 Comments

  • Reply Vicki @ Boiled Eggs & Soldiers October 13, 2015 at 6:32 am

    Thanks you to Patrick for sharing such a personal and brave story and thanks to you to Min for making it happen. I really hope that Squeaky continues to help Patrick and that together you can stare the black dog down. All the very best.

    • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:24 pm

      Hi Vicki, thank you so much for your comment on Patrick’s post. He has sent me an email to thank those who have commented which I have shared in the comments here.

  • Reply Amy @ HandbagMafia October 13, 2015 at 7:37 am

    My squeaky is called Blue Ted. My husband has one, as well. His is just Ted. We can’t part with them. I’m so sorry for all you’ve experienced at the hands of those who were entrusted to care for you. There really aren’t words big enough to encompass it. I hate that this happens. I’m glad you spoke out for justice but also saddened at the cost to you. I hope you find healing xxx

    • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:27 pm

      Amy, thanks so much for commenting and sharing about Blue Ted and Ted. Patrick sent me an email to respond to those who have commented on his post and I have posted that in the comments here. xo

  • Reply Nicole @ The Builders Wife October 13, 2015 at 9:31 am

    I have a Squeaky, his name is Mucky. He too has broad shoulders to carry my pain. I am so sorry for your pain Patrick, though glad you had your Squeaky to see you through. May your days be lighter and your horizon clear. xxx

    • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:28 pm

      Nicole, it breaks my heart to know you’ve had pain but I am glad you have Mucky. Thank you for commenting on Patrick’s post. He emailed me a response to those who have commented which I have posted below in the comments. xo

  • Reply Deb @ inner compass designs October 13, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Big love to your Patrick. What happened to you should not have happened. You are strong and brave to stand up in court and fight for some justice after all these years. The black dog is persistent once it enters our world. He nips at my heels no matter what I do, but every day I show up it does keep him in his kennel. Keep showing up Patrick, reaching out and sharing with others. We are a way too big community of people stalked by the black dog but together we are stronger than he will ever be xxxx

    • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:29 pm

      Deb, thank you so much for your gorgeous comment on Patrick’s post. He has sent me an email in response to those who have commented and I have posted it in the comments below. xo

  • Reply Hugzilla October 13, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    I am so sorry that someone who should have been entrusted with your care committed the worst possible betrayal. I sincerely hope that justice prevails for you and that it might go some way to assist in your healing x

    • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:35 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment Zilla! FYI – Patrick has emailed me a response to those who have commented and I have posted that in the comments below 🙂 x

  • Reply Min October 13, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    FROM PATRICK:

    Hi Min, I would like to thank you for publishing my blog post and for enabling me to share my story and the story of Squeaky the salvation bear. To all of you who have left comments I would like to thank you sincerely for your support, your kind words and your empathy. I am truly grateful to you all.

    Thank You,
    Patrick C

  • Reply Vanessa October 13, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    Thank you Patrick for sharing this story. I’m glad that you had squeaky for comfort. We should never underestimate the value of any kind of comfort that gives us strength in life.

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 3:42 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment Vanessa. I know that Patrick is reading every comment and is very touched by each one of them. 🙂

  • Reply JF Gibson October 13, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Words can’t describe how sorry I am that you had and continue to endure this pain Patrick. But thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find the peace you deserve. Hold Squeaky tight and know that there is good in the world. Best to you.

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      Thank you Jodie for such a lovely comment. Patrick is reading all comments and is very touched by each of them. 🙂

  • Reply EssentiallyJess October 13, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    This was beautiful and devastating all at once. Thank you for sharing Patrick, and thank you Squeaky, for being such a wonderful friend.

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      Exactly how I felt when I read it Jess. Patrick is reading all comments and is very touched by each and every one of them. 🙂

  • Reply Kathy October 14, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    What a very powerful story Patrick – you are very brave and I hope publishing this is a step in the process of healing for you.

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 4:02 pm

      I think he was very brave too Kathy. Thanks so much for your comment. I know that Patrick is reading all comments and is very touched by them. 🙂

  • Reply Alicia October 14, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    I am so glad Patrick got to tell his story here. Although sad, a lovely tribute to his friend x

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      He really wanted to tell it Alicia and I was happy to provide a place for him to do so. Thanks so much for your comment! 🙂 x

  • Reply Deborah October 14, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    Thanks Patrick and Min, for sharing such a powerful story. Though it’s incredibly sad it’s also very poignant and beautifully told.

    • Reply Min October 15, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment Deb. I know that Patrick is reading all comments and is very touched by each and every one of them. 🙂 x

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